Love blossoms at university ...

Those 18 months we spent together at the university of Cape Town (also an awesomely beautiful and romantic place) on the slopes of Table mountain - away from parents, were truly "as good as it gets"! We did not encounter much in the way of "opposition" from her mother ... yet. In fact, for a while it even seemed like she was encouraging our romance ? We were left pretty much to ourselves and for two young adult lovers in their early 20's (taking into account the awesomely romantic start our love had enjoyed) - that all makes for a near perfect courtship state ! Below is the scene I was greeted with every night as I parked my car at "Tugwell hall" (Jennifer's Residence at UCT) to go "calling on my Princess".  What can I say ... we were young adults, we had our freedom, we were together each and every day and we were deeply in love! Surely this all makes for 1 very happy ending?

The land donated by Cecil John Rhodes, the Univ of Cape Town is an awesomely romantic place.

"YES" ... engaged to be wed !

So, in my second year I proposed to Jennifer and she accepted (pictured here in the parliament gardens) ... and so we were engaged to be married! Together for 1 and 1/2 years now, we were in a blissful love bathed state - ecstatic euphoria!

 Somehow, we both knew that all would turn out just perfectly in the end, but we had learned not to take love for granted. So much could have gone wrong and could still go wrong. 

"Lovebirds" ... Oh what a wonderful feeling!

The struggle for two young lovers to be free to love ...

Well ... no sooner said than done. In 1977, two years after Television was introduced into South Africa, there was rioting in the streets and our country was in flames ... the colonial era was drawing to a close and Jennifer's mother (not her Dad) decided that her family was going to leave Africa and go and live in Canada. Suddenly, to Jennifer's mother, I was a disposable obstacle to her plans. She needed to take all of her family members with her to Canada and I could not move (yet) - so she simply had to get rid of me ... and she was not subtle! Jennifer and I desperately pleaded our case. I gave her my word that, as soon as I graduated, I would "bring her daughter back to her" ... but she simply scoffed at our pleas.

I remember well an encounter, with Jennifer's mother in which her mother demanded that I either do one of two things: Go and study at a university in Canada or let their daughter go to be with them. Now, we are talking about Jennifer at age 20 (almost 21) with 2 years of university behind her and we were not only deeply in love, but engaged to be married. I simply countered by saying that it was not practical for me to start over, on my degree, and that it also was not a decent thing to ask my dad to shell out even more money for my education ... but  Again I reassured her that I would bring their daughter back to them in Canada ... as soon as I graduated. She stubbornly refused my suggestions and then simply went to work on her daughter's emotions and mind. 

Jennifer refused to agree with her mother. She knew this was the start of her adult life and love, and that going to live with "mommy" was not the right thing to do. So then her mother simply demanded that she emigrate to Canada with them. Once again Jennifer refused. Then her mother informed her that she really had no choice in the matter, since she was not quite 21 yet, and she had to go along with her plans. We went to see a magistrate friend of my Dad's ... he informed Jennifer that she was long since able to make up her own mind (legally) about her life. Armed with this information, Jennifer informed her mother that she would be staying with me, and that when I graduated, we would apply to emigrate to Canada. Jennifer's mother was furious  ... but not quite done trying to get her way yet. You see, Jennifer's dad (the weak silent type) was leaving for Canada a few weeks ahead of the Mother and Jennifer's sister (who was still legally a minor) and so off to the Cape Town airport the 4 of them went - in their Mercedes. Now, I would like to have been "a fly on the wall" to see and hear the following little drama, but I have heard it from both Jennifer and her sister, many times, and I have a good ability to visualize the scene.

Mother : (Demanding)  "Jenny, Daddy is leaving South Africa for Canada now ... you tell him you will be coming with us ... go ahead, tell him ... tell him ... or you may never see him again! "

Jennifer: (Pleading) "No mommy, I just cannot ... I love Ian, I want to marry him and I am staying with him"

Dad: (Trying to calm mother down) "Now, don't worry dear, it will all work out in the end ... relax, take it easy"

Mother: (Angry and rejecting) "Well good luck to you my girl ... you are marrying a mouse ! " ... Now this last quip kind of got me smiling at an otherwise very serious time ... I mean, really ! Coming from a woman who could easily be the lead test-pilot at any broom-stick factory, that's pretty tame language! (Sorry, I just had to put that in) Because of where and how I grew up, I've long since learned to ignore the intended purposes of verbal jabs (or teasing) and can easily give as good as I get. Anyhow, it was designed to devalue me in Jennifer's eyes, and it did not work. I guess, over time, she began to realize that I was the " Mouse that roared ". All the same, it does not make for a healthy start with a son/daughter in-law ... calling them a "Mouse" that is, and sarcastically wishing your daughter "Good luck" when really you are wishing her the exact opposite, namely "Bad luck"!  Notice though how many controlling, derogatory, negative, sarcastic and humiliating words are contained in just that one sentence: It's really a curse - a sarcastic wish for BAD LUCK, not good. Jennifer (an adult) is called "a girl" - what is more "My Girl" - that's "Mommy's girl" - kind of like a possession, and as for the "marrying a mouse" quip, there goes the "Dream Wedding", "Mother's blessing"  and any scrap of dignity Jennifer had left. It must have left her feeling empty and very unsure about her love, her life, herself and our future. Not bad for 1 sentence with 12 words. Oh well ... if that's all she ever did or said that was nasty or sarcastic or mean - if that's as bad as it was ever going to get, I would still be smiling ... as would Jennifer. 

Now, to be sure, this is the much abbreviated version of that scene. It went on far longer, in the car, in the airport, back in the car, all the way home - and had many more passionate and angry words and  many tears (of sadness and of anger) involved, but the upshot of it all was that when it came time for her mother and sister to "fly off" to Canada, Jennifer was told "not to bother" to come to the airport to see them off ... though all the details of flights and the "finality" of Jennifer's courageous stand was made abundantly clear to her by the mother. So, their plane took off for Canada, and we knew when it did, but were not there to see them off or "bid them adieu". For the first time in her entire life, her birth family was nowhere around, rather they were very far away in Canada. My sweetheart was shaken. "Mommy" had withdrawn all support for Jennifer, and all "approval and love" - if one could ever even call it that! Every attempt to phone her parents in Canada and write to them met with a "cold shoulder"  - a rebuff. My  fiancée was floundering, even with me at her side ! She was desperately unhappy ... and at a time that most young lovers should be ecstatically happy - as just months before we had been.

Having grown up away from parents in a private Boarding school since age 8, I watched all of this with a sinking feeling. I knew that, emotionally, Jennifer would either "sink or swim" - I had seen it all before so many times ... each time the new school year brought the next influx of "New Boys" to our school, away from their parents and families for 43 weeks each year. Some made it, some did not. At times, I did not think that I would make it - but I did. I watched as my fiancée cried, and cried and cried ... with no end in sight. I remember doing much of that as a  young boy,  but it eventually ends after a while, it hurts too much otherwise. Well, her 21st birthday came and went in a blur of tears. We celebrated with my parents and our family friends. Then we spent the first Christmas (far) away from her old birth family, at our favorite holiday spot, where we had met and fallen in love ... at the Wilderness, but all she could do was cry ... it's not awfully romantic. My parents and I tried to cheer her up - but to no avail. Suddenly, one day, she snapped and lashed out at me. This was the first time we had ever said anything harsh to each other. Though I knew it was coming out of her pain, I clearly understood that Jennifer was sinking ... not swimming, and that our young love was drowning right along with her. Jennifer's mother had got her way. She had managed to outlast her daughter, and now I knew there simply was no choice.

" When you truly love someone, you must be willing to let them go, and  if they come back to you, then you know they were yours to begin with. "

Those words sound so profound, but I wince hearing them ... you see, I lived them. Jennifer had not suggested this, but I did. I simply said to her: " Jen, you know I love you dearly ... and always will, but I can see you are not happy here with me now. You still need to be with your parents, so I am going to put you on a plane so that you can fly to Canada to be with them. I have 1 1/2 years to go till graduation, and when I graduate, I will do my very best to join you in Canada. In that time, I promise I will not be unfaithful to you, and will keep loving only you ". Reluctant at first, and now tearful for our love and our life together, Jennifer resisted my advice, but within a few months, I had managed to convince her that it was best under these strange circumstances. So you think I was crazy ? Well, many did, and others advised me just to "walk away". I couldn't! 

Really, what choice did I have ? I loved Jennifer and if I did not provide a way to relieve the relentless emotional pressure we were under, she would, in time, have broken up with me and left for Canada (to join her parents) anyhow. Now, instead of crying over "mommy" and her "mommy's cold shoulder treatment" - rejection, she was crying at the prospect of leaving her long time sweetheart, her lover, friend and fiancé ... though I was very careful to be extremely re-assuring and NOT reject her or give her the "cold shoulder" or issue threats like her mother had done - and was still doing. This, quite frankly, was a terribly tough and sad time ... but safer for the two of us and our love ... not safe though - just safer. Now, ironically, the pressure Jennifer's mother had heaped upon our relationship had eased and instead of it looking like our relationship threatened Jennifer's chances of ever seeing her mother, dad and sister again, it was now Jennifer's mother that was clearly standing between the two of us being together and stopping us from being free to love each other and be with each other ... as God intended for all loving couples to be. Now it was our love that Jennifer was grieving for, not her mommy. I Knew that we had been separated many times and our love had (miraculously) survived. It was possible that we could do so again. Still, it was a gamble and, in case you are not picking up on just how this all upset me, let me assure you ... It did ! But, I put on a brave face, even though I too was grieving - In fact I was hurting and very very scared! It really just did not seem fair. "True Love" was not meant to hurt like this ? Something was very wrong with this whole situation. "Mommy" had beaten her daughter into submission, and had played a high stakes game of poker with us ... and she was winning. Now, it never feels nice to loose, but it feels especially terrible when love is at stake ! I have to admit that this felt a lot like the end of our world. Still, the plans for Jennifer to join her parents in Canada proceeded ...

Finally that dreaded day came and off we went to Cape Town's international airport. This time it was me driving my fiancée to fly out of my life ... with no guarantee that I would ever see her again. Can you even begin to imagine having to do that ? It's not like we had become enemies or were not deeply in love ... just hours before we were still lying in each others arms - savoring every last sweet moment together. In fact, I still have a picture of Jennifer ... in bed, with the sheets draped around her, just a short while before I took her to the airport - but this photo, for obvious reasons, I cannot share with you. However it still invokes extremely strong emotions deep within me. 

Jennifer and I were simply two young adult lovers trying desperately to do what we could to ensure our love's survival - but to do so we had to make some very painful choices ... for both of us ! So, I helped her check her luggage and get her boarding pass and then came the moment we had both been dreading. We could not delay any longer. Jennifer had to go through airport security and prepare to board the 747, now waiting parked out on the hot tarmac on that sunny African Friday afternoon.

Now it was time to say "farewell" ... 

You know ... at times, to me, it seems as if my being sent away from home, at age 8, and never living permanently with my parents ever again ... and the many "farewells" that go along with a life spent like that, were all merely intended to train me for this farewell ... and the ones that were soon to come. If that is the case, I would have to say I still was an under-graduate in "the school of fond farewells". I have said many goodbyes to loved one's throughout my life, some were happy, many were sad - but I was just not prepared for this farewell ! 

We hugged, and hugged and hugged and held each other closely - tight ... Jennifer's face buried on my chest, her arms tightly round my waist, my arms around her shoulders ... her tears now starting to soak through my thin cotton shirt - leaving a damp patch right about my now resigned but grieving heart. My throat hurt, my heart ached and tears started welling up in my eyes ... but I fought them back! One of us had to remain strong and re-assuring, and that was clearly now up to me. I could not afford to let Jennifer feel my fear or my sorrow. I had to smile and calmly tell her how much I loved her and how we would soon be together again ... even when deep within me I just did not know how it could all possibly work out.

It worked, she calmed down. Then " one last touch ", and with a wistful glance and a bitter-sweet smile, she went into the secure area ... and suddenly my darling Jennifer - my  fiancée, friend, lover and soul-mate ... was gone from view and out of reach.

Now I was with just myself and I no longer needed to put up a brave face. I was dazed ... in a trance - in shock. I had given Jennifer all of my love and a total commitment. I had promised her my undying devotion - but somehow, to her, being with her mother, at age 21, was still so very important. I have to admit, I did not understand why this had to be so ... least not then. You see, I had made that leap to independence from parents very early on in life - but in reality, few do so, and some never do. Now, around me, milled all the people in the airport - the  airport PA system announcing the imminent departure of that Boeing 747 to London and calling for passengers to board. Well, she may have been out of my reach, but not finally gone from view. You see, this was Africa, and things happen just a little differently there. In Africa there is no need for fancy passages attached to the planes to board flights. The weather is never that bad. People walk from the terminal building and climb up stairs and on into the plane. So I walked up to the open balcony of the Airport building to catch one last glimpse of my fiancée, as I knew that she would have to walk with the other passengers and across the tarmac on towards that huge Jumbo-jet sitting there, tantalizingly close before me now - all just out of my reach as I stood there  ... waiting. 

Below me, I spotted my fiancée ... but walking next to a handsome young man. and talking to him ? They both turned, looked up at me, smiled and waved. Jennifer blew me a kiss - as I stood, stunned, on the balcony just a little above her. You see, maybe not even quite 50 yards away from me, stood my fiancée ... next to her old boyfriend Dave, you know, Prince Andrew's school chum - the one Jennifer's mother liked. Now, I'm not one given to paranoia, but imagine, if you can, what was going through my head. Then, on they walked, together, until they got to the top of the steps. Dave entered the Cabin, but just before she entered the cabin of that Boeing 747, Jennifer stopped, turned around, waved, blew me one last kiss, smiled and then turned and walked into the cabin and out of sight too.

Wow ... what an strange feeling that was! What awful confusion suddenly filled my mind ! What had just happened to "us" ?  What had become of "our" love affair ? What surprises lay ahead for me now? Now suddenly I had deep regrets! I waited, watching that 747 slowly taxi towards the runway and stopped ... I could not look any longer. If I had stood and watched that big lumbering beast speeding down the runway and climbing slowly up into into that African sky, noisily, belching black smoke as it rose steadily up - carrying my fiancée and her old boyfriend off to London, it would have felt too final. So. instead, I turned and walked away ... now in a very confused and dazed state, my stomach in a knot, my heart aching and my head reeling ... the way "love-lost" often makes one feel. As I proceeded down the stairs, back through the terminal building and out to the parking lot. I got back into my car, this time though, for the first time in a long time, the seat next to me was painfully empty - but still, the smell of Jennifer's perfume lingered in the trapped hot air within the car ... her "presence" evident all around me, but her nowhere in sight. Eagerly, I breathed it in ... again and again and again,  the trapped hot fragrance searing my lungs now, but her scent seemed to clear my head - it was familiar, somehow vaguely reassuring. I drove the many miles back to Cape Town to our apartment, but you know, I cannot once recall looking at the scenery around me. Now, as I walked through the door into our apartment, It hit me ... I was alone. Thoughts and memories of the past few years now flooded through my mind. What Had I done ? Was I the biggest fool in the history of Love ... the biggest idiot this world had ever seen? It sure felt that way!

Suddenly this place that had been our home ... that had seen so much of our love and joy and happiness, that had heard so many of our hopes and our dreams and had so often resonated with our laughter ... was cold ... lonely ... empty ... quiet. All around me were reminders of what had been. The little feminine things that Jennifer had left behind, the dressing table with it's mirror still adjusted for her to inspect her hair, the pink curtains, the fridge with her favorite foods and  drinks, the bathroom with her shampoo still standing on the bath ... but only 1 toothbrush now,  the few dishes neatly stacked beside the sink ...  the unmade bed, it's sheets still rumpled, the pillows still side by side ... a strand of her hair on her pillow. Everywhere I looked, there was a reminder of Jennifer, yet I could not hear her, I could not see her and I could not hold her. I turned to run. Suddenly I wanted to leave this place so very urgently ... I could not stand it any longer! Just then ... the phone rang and that " momentary spell of fear " was broken. Quite mechanically I walked on out of the bedroom, through the passage, into the living room and picked up the phone ... 

It was Jennifer ... calling from Cape town's international airport, from the same terminal building I had just come from barely an hour ago. What was happening ? How could this be ? My heart skipped a beat ... maybe she did not want to go ... maybe she had changed her mind ? She sounded calm, even a bit cheerful. But I had seen her enter that 747's cabin and seen them prepare for departure and taxi down to the runway ... so what could this mean? How could it be happening?

Soon enough Jennifer explained that the Captain had turned the plane around and gone back to the gate to get mechanics to  inspect an engine that did not appear to be functioning properly. The flight was now delayed long enough that they could disembark and walk around in the secure area inside the terminal. So, Jennifer had called me to tell me how very much she loved me and how it was that I saw her and her old boyfriend, Dave, boarding the plane together ... he was returning to London, after visiting his dad, and just happened to be on the same flight as her. I do admit that I felt a tremendous sense of relief! We talked for quite a while, and suddenly, our old apartment did not feel quite so empty and lonely anymore. I not only felt her presence - but I was hearing her voice and listening to her words of love again - albeit over the phone. 

I often wondered what life could have been like if that flight was not delayed those 3 hours and Jennifer had not got a chance to call me ? Well I have had some very strange things happen to me at airports throughout my life, but this one was quite unusual - and most welcome! A 747 full of people, bound for London from Cape Town, taxis out on to the runway and then returns to the terminal and allows the passengers to disembark long enough for Jennifer to call me and reassure me that her and her old boyfriend being on the same flight - and sitting next to each other by the way, was merely a coincidence. Many people would tell me to "get real" and to "wake up and smell the coffee" - and some did, but I knew Jennifer long enough and well enough to know that she was just not a devious person. Anyhow, she and I exchanged  "I love you's " and "I miss you's " and  bade farewell, once again - this time in a less traumatic way. 3 hours later, as they had announced to the passengers, that 747 did take off, and this time I did want to walk out and stand on our balcony and I watched as, across the Cape Flats, that lumbering giant plane climbed on into the night sky, It's jet engines sounding strong and sure now as it now turned and headed North to complete it's journey across Africa and on into Europe, en-route to England, from where Jennifer would catch the next plane to Canada. Soon the noise disappeared, the flashing lights of the 747 were no longer visible and I was standing staring only at the stars, the moon and the gathering blackness of the African night. I lingered for a while, there on our balcony, the palm trees gently swaying in the breeze ... just remembering. 

I turned and walked back inside. I was not hungry, I did not wish to study, to read or even to watch TV. I went to our bedroom, took off my clothes, folding them and placed them on the chair of her dressing table, and then climbed into that still unmade bed ... in between those sheets still permeated with her fragrance - this time though - for the first time in the past year, I did not see my sweetheart's head on the pillow beside me. There, lying on my back, my hands behind my head, I felt dizzy as the memories started flooding through my head ... images and sounds and still the sweet smell of Jennifer lingering upon the pillow next to me - but she was not there! By now, the plane was probably over the Congo, headed north - proceeding steadily away from me and the passengers were chatting and enjoying their dinner. I turned, to face Jennifer ... as I had always done. I touched her pillow and suddenly I felt something I had not felt since I was a little boy of 8. I lay silent, not moving, my open hand now resting on her pillow where her head should have been and, suddenly, my forced bravado of the last few months was completely erased - replaced totally by tremendously overpoweringly deep sadness. Silent tears welled up in my eyes, filling them up, spilling down my cheeks... onto my pillow. I have to tell you honestly - though you may think it not proper that a man of 22 should feel or act this way, that I felt no less lonely, frightened and overwhelmingly sad that night, at age 22, than when I was a little boy of 8 spending my first night alone, far away from my mother and my family ... for the first time in my life. On both of those nights though, some 14 years apart - mercifully, sleep quite suddenly descended upon me ... and all went blank - no dreams, no interruptions of any kind ... just sleep.

The next morning I woke to the birds singing and the hot African sun streaming into our room, and the reality of what had happened now fully hit home. Jennifer was gone ... I was alone - and life somehow just had to continue. (CONTINUE READING the next chapter)