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Once again Jennifer and I were two young lovers living very far apart ... and this time we were BOTH heart-broken !
This was hardly a mere 1,000 miles away as it had been in my air force
days - that seemed quite close now by comparison.
Now we were speaking about an unfathomably large distance between us. Telephone calls cost a fortune and always left us
feeling worse than before we called. As for the mail, well, at least we could hold on to those letters and re-read them
again and again - trying to find some reassuring words between each line.
A very brief respite ...
 It's not like I had much money as a student with which I could get on a plane and go and
visit her - though I did so at the very first opportunity I got ... Summer holidays.
You see, we had been smart enough to negotiate "our
terms of surrender". When Jennifer told her mother
that she was relenting (bowing to Mother's wishes) and
coming to join them in Canada, she made it conditional upon me
being able to visit her there. So, several months later, I did. Unfortunately this was
winter in Canada. Yikes, speak about a shock! Imagine having to deal with hostile parents, a distraught fiancée, a foreign
country where I knew nobody other than Jen and a bitterly cold winter - all at once ?
All the same, here were a few stolen moments (one pictured here)
... and as I arrived at Toronto International Airport from
London and Cape Town, waiting there to meet me was my sweetest
darling Jennifer ... and how very wonderful it was to be
hugging and holding each other again! It had been several
months since we last held each other, and we wasted no time
catching up from where we had left off! We knew we only had 5
weeks - my summer holiday at university (which falls over
December and January in South Africa). For a brief moment in
time, all the problems we had faced (and still faced) were
placed into a state of suspended animation.
Only the two of us existed and, despite the hostile
environment and the cold all around us ... our love for
each other was warm and welcome and wonderful !
Now us two young lovers struggle to be free ... again
But, soon stark reality broke through into our comfortable
little dream world. You see, when I arrived and was visiting in Canada with
Jennifer, I stayed with her and her parents in their new home.
By now, Jennifer, who had endured several months of living
with her mother again (at age 21 going on 22) and away from
me, had figured out that she really did not want to do so
any longer. She wanted (as she had done before) to be with me,
her fiancé, friend, lover and soul-mate - plain and simple.
Now, for the past months, Jennifer's mother had seen her cry
and be sad and pout and be depressed ... she had seen her
heart-broken, day-in and day-out, pining away over us being
forced to live so far apart - but this failed to move the
mother and she was
as determined as ever that everything, for their lives and
ours, would unfold according to her plans. Now, if you recall,
I had observed (and was forced to endure) similar levels of
emotional upheaval in Jennifer's day-to-day life with me, when her
mother took to playing "hard-ball" by simply
ignoring Jennifer's existence - after she had initially opted to
stay with me in South Africa. Now, when this had happened
- I very soon had suggested a remedy and was willing to "let her
go" in order for Jennifer to be happy again ... and
had arranged for Jennifer to journey to Canada to be with her
mother. So, Jennifer now reasoned, perhaps, after seeing her
tremendous pain (and maybe even some of mine) her mother would
now finally do the "right thing" and graciously let
go of her so she could proceed to live her life as an adult
they way God had intended. After all, she was now almost 22
and had shown that she was truly in love with me - and me with
her.
Now that would have been very welcome, but the very
instant Jennifer raised the issue with her mother - she
demanded that we "Pack our bags and leave her house
and their lives" - INSTANTLY! Where
was the father in all of this ? In his usual subservient
"How high do you want me to jump dear? "
place - of course. He was at least decent enough to chauffeur
us and our few suitcases to a downtown Hotel on that bleak wintry
evening in January of 1979, but even then, it was likely just
to know where we were - since all of this was clearly designed
as a "preemptive strike" against Jennifer's
(once again) emerging desire to be independent and live (and
love) free ... designed to bully her into submission.
So there we were - the two of us in a hotel room, my
fiancée again crying her eyes out over her mother's draconian
treatment of her and me ... as well as her total disregard for
our happiness and future together and, of course, the same old
rejecting "cold shoulder" treatment- again. So, by
now the mother's message was very clear to us: " Either
you come and live here with me in Canada - on my terms, or get
out of my life, and I will see to it that your dad and sister
are out of your lives too "! Well, now I suggested to
Jennifer that we should now stop wasting time and that we
should go and get married and have our honeymoon in the Mediterranean
on our way back to Africa. Every day that she went to work, I
gathered information for our wedding and honeymoon and, each
night in our hotel room, with the winter storms raging outside
and the snow swirling in the empty down-town streets of this
Southern Ontario city, we actively planned the "next
steps" in our life together. Normally planning to get
married and go on the honeymoon is a fun time for young lovers
... and for a moment there was a faint glimmer of hope.
Jennifer was considering it ... somewhat seriously, even
though we would be eloping - without mom's blessing.
But, there was still one problem ...
Jennifer had still not stopped crying and was not yet (what
I would call) "Acting like a happy bride to be".
This was not exactly the type of start to our married lives
that either of us had envisaged. It was obvious to us
that Jennifer's mother still yielded tremendous clout (Veto
power really) over Jennifer and my union and our happiness. If
we proceeded with our plans to Elope, we would be
gambling that Jennifer would get over her mother's rejection
and the forced isolation from her old family, and go on to
live a happy contented life without them. Rightly or wrongly,
this all seemed, to me, to be setting our love, friendship and
future family up for a lot of very sad and troubled times -
with Jennifer always blaming me for her "birth
family" not being a part of her life ... even though I
was not the one to initiate any of this, or even want to
continue any of it. In my mind, even at this point, there always
was ample room for all of them in our lives as a
married couple. I had made it clear (again and again)
that I would be willing to give up my family to ensure
their family stayed together - but Jennifer's mother simply
never took my word as fact. I believe that is because she not
only has a major problem respecting any of us men, but
also refuses to trust any of us - me included. We are merely
dismissed as "pawns" in her chess game. So, in the
mother's mind, the strategy was "all or nothing"
with even the "nothing" simply being a tactic to
get her the "all".
I remember well when I made the decision that there really
was no choice (yet) and that Jennifer should return to be with
her mother ... again. We were sitting in a movie theater just
a few blocks from our hotel, in downtown Kitchener, Ont.
watching a Walt-Disney Movie ... and Jennifer, sitting with
her head tucked into my shoulder, was crying through all
the happy and the funny parts - not just through the sad
ones! I knew it was not going to work now either ... just as I
had concluded before. I suppose I could have been more
forceful and demanded that she start acting like a
mature woman ... but I also knew instinctively that would
result in "Short term gain for long term pain".
Many people I knew suggested this approach ... most of them
are divorced today.
I suppose I could describe to you in detail what happened
next, but I will summarize by saying that once again I gently
convinced Jennifer that this was not a good way to start our
married life together and that I was going to go back and
finish my final year of my B.SC. Degree, at our old Alma-mater,
after which, if she still wanted me as her husband, I would
apply for entry to Canada and when I was accepted, we could
proceed with our married lives and live somewhere close to her
mother and "birth family", without whom she just
could not seem to survive and be happy.
Now ... I was kind of hoping she would object to
this suggestion, but once again she agreed. You see, since her
mother had made it clear that she would never
"budge and inch" and I had already shown a
willingness to do so, had done so and was offering to do so
again, it really was the easy way out for Jennifer and, as for
most of us, that's the way we tend to take. Now, I did realize
that I was setting a very dangerous precedent by doing
so ... one which would undoubtedly come back to haunt me
repeatedly throughout our married life (if we ever even
ended up married) and one which would allow Jennifer's
mother "Veto power" over any decision we made
as a couple, but when you love someone, it's amazing what you
will do for them ... to get and to keep their love.
So now it was time to say "farewell" ... again
By now you'd think we were getting used to being young
sweethearts saying "farewell" - but these
were not natural circumstances and we were not happy! It's a
terribly helpless feeling ... having someone else "pulling
the strings" to your life and making you "dance
to their tune". Neither of us were happy. It seemed
like once again the Mother had got her way and had "stared
her daughter (and me) down" and all was proceeding
according to her plan for her daughter's life. But
still I was hopeful that love would eventually triumph.
In short, it was not a pleasant drive from their home back
to the Toronto International airport, Jennifer and I sitting
in the back seat in the dark of the early northern night - the
dad driving. That trip takes about 1-1/2 hours and that is all
the time we now had left to hug and to hold each other.
With each mile that passed the reality of our impending
"forced farewell" now loomed ever larger ... and our
hearts grew more and more numb at the prospect of what we were
about to face - yet again. Finally ... my shoulder wet with my
sweetheart's tears, the car pulled up at the curbside of
Teminal-1, where somewhere "Sir Freddie Laker's
Sky-Coach" awaited to fly me back to London after which I
would catch a flight back to South Africa. There, standing on
the curb of the passenger drop-off zone ... you know, the
ones with the 5 minute limit, our
"farewell" was reduced to a brief series of
"last hugs and kisses" as the snow-flakes fell all
around us on that bleak depressing night.
Then ... one final hug and kiss ... I opened the door of
her dad's car and helped Jennifer in ... "last
touch", a few wistful kisses blown and caught ... then,
looking back at her fast receding lover from within that
"impatient car" - a final 5 second wave
goodbye from my now fast disappearing fiancée ...
being whisked down the long slushy pavement, along the curb,
to the end of the airport building, round the corner, down the
ramp, out of sight ... and back to her captivity.
So there I stood, my luggage next to me on the curb, cabs
and busses and cars and people buzzing all around me ... on
that cold winters night in Toronto, slowly dropping my still
gently waving raised hand, my arm now coming to rest, limp, at
my side. I stood there for a moment ... the cold harsh reality
of our situation made painfully real by that empty bleak
monochromatic scene ahead of me that I was left staring at ... it would
be at least another year before Jennifer and I were
going to be together again ... but perhaps as many as 2 or 3
years - depending on governments and paperwork and, in the
back of my mind, this grim realization ... maybe
never ?
As I still stood there
on that slushy curb, with the icy winds and snow now swirling
all around me, suddenly this place felt like "Hell"
to me ... a place where love is crushed, hope is lost, friends
are separated and sweethearts are held captive, out of reach
... and loved ones are left - out in the cold ... alone. You
know, we always imagine "Hell" as a hot place, but I
propose that it's more realistic to think of it as a cold
place ... a frozen place with no warmth, no love and no
hope.
It was almost as if the harsh weather all around me was
seeking to extinguish any fragile flickering flame
of warmth left in my heart and to crush whatever remnant
of hope was still left within my soul ... mocking me
... forcing me, defeated, into the terminal building -
towards the plane and my "final" exit away from
Canada. I picked up my luggage, turned and walked into the
warm bustling terminal building, heading toward the airline
counter, feeling empty, crushed ... alone. This was a much
less hopeful "farewell" than our first one
had been, several months prior. Then our hopes were still
rather high and our spirits not yet broken. This departure had
been premature and not under a favorable set of circumstances.
It was at least as sad and it had unfolded according to the
mother's agenda and thus was out of our control. With
her dad waiting in the car next to us, it had also been much
speedier, less private and very
much more depressing than our farewell at the Cape town
airport was. Not only were we saying farewell yet again,
but we were also beginning to have that "sinking feeling"
about our chances of ever being allowed to live a normal life together
with her mother acting this way - and we had no way of knowing
if and when we would ever be together again.
But still, we loved
each other dearly and so wanted to live as a
happily married couple someday. It was our shared dream ... it
had been our fondest loving dream for years now.
 January 1979:
So, 2 weeks earlier than we both would
have liked, I was forced to depart from this icy, colorless frostbitten Canadian heartland and
was headed back for the sunny southern tip of
Africa. I was most unhappy. Behind me, in Canada,
remained a now very distraught fiancée, the stress of our forced
separation fast taking it's toll on her. Jennifer was not
even able to muster a happy smile for any photo - she just was not happy and tears often welled up spontaneously in her eyes.
She was still not sure of how to deal with the demands her mother had placed on her, demands which were
causing so much pain in her and my life and just did not seem proper, decent or even remotely fair. You know, it's hardly like I could ask Canada to let me in so that we
could resume our lives and love. Why would they let me, a young white South African without even a degree, into Canada ?
I returned to South Africa with a very heavy heart, not sure what the future
held for us. Once back at UCT, I buried myself in my studies.
Getting my Computer Science degree now seemed to be my best and perhaps our only hope - but still a long-shot ! These were, till 1993, absolutely the very bleakest days
of our entire lives!
So, Jennifer and I had been so very happy together and we had come so very close to getting
married - several times now.
Some would point out, correctly, that we were already
married, but had not yet got the government's paperwork.
However, suddenly it all seemed
to disintegrate, seemingly out of our control, and now it was all so very much worse and helpless than it had ever been before ...
And then, like a Canadian winter, cold harsh reality sets in.
Suddenly all of those blissfully happy moments we had enjoyed together
were now only memories ... and all quite painful to recall. What would happen now ?
What could happen ? Now, even with my (gorgeous) ex-girlfriend living in an apartment just a few doors down
from me, I could not even think of anybody else but my exquisitely painful distant illusion.
Jennifer also refused any urging by her mother to re-establish
contact with Prince Andrew's old school chum - Dave (from whom
a letter for Jennifer had 'mysteriously' arrived at her
parents home in Canada). She also refused her advise to date
other men - even though her lover was now simply reduced to an
occasionally heard faint voice at the other end of a very long, thin, deeply laid undersea cable doing it's best
to span the almost infinite chasms between them. All this time we stayed engaged
and true to each other ... telling each other
every chance that we got, that somehow love would triumph ... and that someday we would be together and once again in
and each others arms.
The Mother's "Plan" ...
I tried my best to sound optimistic - but I knew we were simply running out of
time. I had been conditioned by a youth spent
living far apart from loved one's for most of each year, but Jennifer was not used to living like this. My now
deeply distressed fiancée was fast losing what little ability she had left to endure all this pain, and I still had
11 months to go till graduation and then what kind of a wait would governments still seek to impose on us ?
Honestly, there
was only one sensible chance for our love to survive - Jennifer had to face her mother, stare her down and return
to be with me ... but I could not demand or even suggest that she do so. She had to do this all on her own, else if something
went wrong ... and I had no doubt that her mother would see
to that, I would be blamed and then all would be lost. So there in Cape Town I waited,
in abject agony, trying my best to
bury myself in my studies - all the time knowing that soon 1 of 2 possible outcomes would occur:
Jennifer would return to me, of her own free will, or she would crack under the strain of waiting for me to join her in
Canada ... and our love would be lost forever.
Sure looked like a "winner" ?
I knew that not even all the conditioning of my youth had prepared me for Jennifer calling
off our engagement after everything we had been through together ... and from distant Canada. I knew that if her mother's plan succeeded, and Jennifer broke off our engagement
and she then subsequently did not correspond with me or answer my phone calls (as often happens), then my last options (to reason and plead our love's case with her and before
her) would have effectively been shut down. She knew that it was hardly like I could have stopped by and asked to see Jennifer and talked things over with her.
So, her mother was playing the odds that this would happen and that then our love would not be able to launch yet another comeback.
She knew her daughter's tolerance levels well - she had used (or rather abused) this knowledge to her advantage before, and it had worked.
She was right in her assessment of my ability to endure and the options left open to me - options which were fast running out
now. She was also right about her daughter's ability to endure ... Jennifer was cracking under the strain !
Though her "Plan" had 1 major flaw in it !
Deep down Jennifer knew that what her
mother was asking of her was unfair, unnatural, improper and just plain old wrong -
and she knew what her mother would have done in
similar circumstances ! You see, Jennifer's mother was "Forbidden" by her father to marry Jennifer's dad. Her father had threatened to "Disown" her
and have nothing more to do with her if she went ahead with her plans. Well, she married Jennifer's dad, and she did stare down her very Victorian father, by
simply ignoring his demands and marrying Jennifer's dad anyhow. She simply gave them an invitation to her wedding and basically said: " Be there or be square ! " To his credit, the
old man did back down, though he was not happy to see his ultimatum fail, and he and his wife did travel down and attend Jennifer's parents' wedding.
So then, would history repeat itself ?
(CONTINUE READING
the next chapter)
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